Attitude Adjustment

If you talk to me frequently, or when I’m in one of my moods, you know that I’m not doing too well. This year hasn’t been as I was hoping, better than last year. If anything I am thankful for this second year in Turkey because it’s making me more thankful for my first year. Last year after having a month vacation in January and February, I returned to Isparta with a new attitude, ready to finish the year. It benefited me quite well. I had accepted that my job was not ideal, and became friends with my university students, rather than my colleagues. I began to travel less and spend more time in Isparta, especially with my Turkish roommates, and began to feel happy (and at home) in Isparta. It was then that I decided to stay in Turkey for an additional year but move to Antalya, a large city on the Mediterranean, about two hours south of Isparta.

But this year hasn’t been that great. My job is not what I was expecting at all. I thought I had lowered my expectations quite a bit after my experiences last year, but I guess not enough. The past four months teaching middle school ESL has literally been the hardest experience of my life. I have never felt more lonely and isolated in a job, so useless and used. But after taking a mental health day last week, in addition to having a day off, I returned to school after a four-day break with a renewed spirit, a new attitude. I can do this.

I’ve got six more months. Just six. The time will fly by, I know it will…But I still have to deal with the day-to-day. I’ve got a week and a half left of school before a two-week break (not as nice as my month off last year) and I’ll be going to Italy for 14 days. The trip is going to be quite expensive, going over my 1000euro budget I was hoping for. But it will be well worth it: Naples, Capri, Sorrento, Pompeii, Sardinia, Sicily, and Rome. I am looking forward to the people, food, language, new places, especially Sicily, and did I mention the food? Then I’ll return with just a little more than four months of teaching (and a month of sitting in an office).

I don’t hate all my classes or all my students. Some of my classes I really do enjoy and some of the students are really clever and funny. Their English is even advanced enough that I can be sarcastic with them. But the good doesn’t balance the bad. Most of my classes just weigh me down. The students are so rude and disrespectful I can’t do anything—I am just a babysitter. And for someone who has wanted to teach her whole life, it just hurts me. I can’t explain another way to describe these feelings. I have no purpose. I am a tool. And this is how I feel the majority of time I’m at work, sitting in an office not doing anything. Despite how great I feel after a really good lesson, that only happens about 30-40% of the time. When I first came here, another teacher said that to be content in one’s job, to survive, that should be 60-75% of one’s time at work.

But I can do this. I need to let those good moments last. Calm down. Try not to let these students control me. Or accept the fact that I can’t do anything. I love Antalya, I love this country (usually), I am making more friends, I am being more social, but when I spend 8 hours a day (plus 2 hours of transportation) at a job that drains me emotionally and physically, it’s hard to not be ready to come home. But I am stubborn. I hate giving up. And what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Insallah.