Almost There...

I started packing three weeks ago. My suitcases are on the floor of my room, all packed except for the clothes I’ve still been wearing and my bathroom stuff. I told myself I started so early because I needed to know if Court had to bring another bag when she comes to visit. But I just happened to be free that weekend, bored at home, and decided to pack. Which now is a really good thing, as a friend just decided to visit me on my last weekend before Court arrives. So hopefully I won’t be stressed out for either of their arrivals (although my house needs a good cleaning). So everyday I’ve come home to my packed bags, ready to go. And I am so ready to go. But I know I need to slow down and reflect on my time here, my experiences, amazing and ridiculous, before it all comes to an end too quickly.

I remember in Ankara at our Fulbright Orientation in September 2010 that someone said “2010 will be the year you moved to Turkey” and then as we celebrated New Year’s together it was “2011 will be the year you left Turkey.” But then I decided to stay. I wasn’t ready to go home yet because I knew Turkey wasn’t done with me. I could feel that I still needed to be here. So now “2012 is the year I left Turkey,” but Turkey will never leave me. Forever I will have inside these experiences, these memories. And I hope that imprint won’t leave me. As friends back home are having babies and I see so many pictures, I immediately say maşallah, which is what one says so that the evil eye doesn’t harm someone, so that no envy or jealousy befalls them, because they are so beautiful. Or when I’m being hopeful about something happening and I automatically say to myself inşallah, or God willing it will happen. I hope these things don’t leave me because they have become a part of who I am now.

Coming to Turkey had been my goal for such a long time that I had failed to make any concrete plans after. It was simply “to get a Fulbright in Turkey.” So one reason the past two years have been so hard for me was because I didn’t know what was next. I hadn’t planned anything further than this, which for someone like me was pretty hard to deal with. I don’t want to keep living my life a year at a time though, as next year I’ll be asking myself the same question after I’ve finished my masters in history at UC Irvine. But inşallah I will find a teaching job and settle down enough to see if that’s what I want in the long run. Maybe sometime in the future I will be able to pursue a doctorate, if I’m able to accumulate enough of a foreign language. But teaching high school history (and English) does have its appeals. I think back on my favorite high school teachers and classes, and if I could be a teacher like Mr. Pruden, Mr. Ojeda, Ms. Swikard, or Mr. Baldwin, I would be happy. But it is so unlikely that I could work at a school like mine and teach AP classes. And that’s really what I would love to do. But now that my time in Turkey has ended, I need a new plan, a new future. Who knows, maybe that will be it.

As I’ve been sitting at school the past few days, thinking of how little time I have left, I am shocked that I made it this far. This job has been the most difficult I’ve ever had (and also the most boring). The most challenging and yet least challenging. Almost perfect considering all the contradictions I’ve experienced in Turkey.

Last year when I was reconsidering returning, I made a list of all the things I would miss about Turkey. Looking at that list again, I’ve decided to add some more.

- the call to prayer
- Turkish coffee
- lahmacun (Turkish pizza)
- Turkish tea
- dolma (stuffed peppers)
- the Mediterranean
- the Antalya mountains
- fresh orange juice in Antalya
- traveling
- watching Turks play football (soccer)
- the “Turklish” my students speak
- my students’ compliments
- the few really good friends I’ve made (American and Turkish)

I know these will be things I’ll think about often when I move home, and then less and less. But I know I won’t forget it all— I won’t forget Turkey. It has become a part of who I am.